god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He better not be in your backpack
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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