Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
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I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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