Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
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I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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