My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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