It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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