I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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