She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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