Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize