i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
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French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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