You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
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My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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