Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize