Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
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I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
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she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
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