hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
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DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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