I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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