I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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