I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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