the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
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I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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