and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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