I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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