my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
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i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
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I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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