Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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You and the dog were competed for the water dish
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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