Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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