when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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