It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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