I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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