i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I believe in your delicious
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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