I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
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Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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