Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
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She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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