I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
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The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
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SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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