sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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