I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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