I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
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i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
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WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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