Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
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