So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
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I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
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