Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
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she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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