I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize