I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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