By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
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Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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