i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
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I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
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Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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