Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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