Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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