This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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