I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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