So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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