I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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