Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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