so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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