Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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