And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
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You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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