So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
please don't ironically join a cult
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